Elaboration

Perhaps I have time for a bit more of a post now.


I feel very depressed today. I don't think its just because of the weight gain, although I'm sure that has something to do with it.

My best friend got married a week ago. We have been best friends since we were two years old, we've lived together, seen each other through some of the most horrendous and traumatizing things imaginable. We have stayed best friends across thousands of miles (before the internet was big and way before cell phones were so common), across oceans, across continents. We have always been best friends. I think of her as closer to me than a sister. She's my other half (other 3/4, really), I don't know if I would have survived this long if it hadn't been for her.

She didn't tell me she was getting married. She didn't even tell me she was seeing anyone. Most of the information I have regarding any of this is second hand because I've received only two emails from her since I found out she was getting married, the night she hopped on a cross-Atlantic flight to meet up with her beau (who lives in Europe) to get married. Apparently she has been involved with this person for almost five years, and I never even knew their name. She lived with me for one of those years, helped me through an entire pregnancy, and she never said a word.

Our relationship has always been based on trust and a knowledge that if one of us needed the other, the other would be there, come hell or high water. I feel like my existence has been shaken to its core.

I want to make something very clear: I am not upset that she got married. I am not upset that after staying away from any sort of romantic involvement of any sort for as long as I have ever known her, she found someone she decided she wanted to share her life with. As long as this is making her happy, I am happy for her, and I will support her.

I am upset that she never told me. As close as we are, as much as we share, she was afraid to tell me. I am told that she was afraid of how I would react because she has always been so a-romantic and a-sexual. I'm disappointed in myself for whatever I did or however I acted that led her to believe that I would be anything less than supportive of her, and I am heartbroken that she did not feel that she could share this with me.

She returned from Europe a few days ago, and I haven't heard from here since right before she boarded the plane to come home. She won't answer my texts, emails, or phone calls, and I'm very worried about her.

I want to show her the new baby goats, I want to hug her and tell her that everything is OK and that I still love her. I want to make sure that she knows that nothing she could do could ever change that.